“Ask Lexi” Archive
December 27, 2012
Question from Sick and Tired of Damon: Dear Lexi, it sickens me to watch Elena and Damon be together. First off, he is kind of a jerk. Second, Stefan is more compassionate, kind and hotter. But it looks like Elena has lost her marbles by choosing Damon. So do you think Elena will end up with Stefan or Damon? I hope it’s Stefan; he is her soulmate, and the thought of her with Damon almost makes me want to stop watching altogether. Need to know, super important!
Dear Sick and Tired of Damon:
Damon can be a first class jerk for sure; but I have seen him do some half-way decent things on his brother’s behalf. Mind you, this does not give him a free pass to be the colossal waste of space that he is at times, or the badgering intrusive ass that he can be.As for Stefan being the more compassionate, kinder and hotter of the two–yes and yes and yes to eternity. There are so many remarkable differences between the two. First and foremost it’s the difference in being a man, not a boy. It’s the difference in realizing that who you are is not defined by your misfortunes, or past or past mistakes. It’s the difference in knowing that compassion isn’t weakness and that loving isn’t a test. It’s the difference in knowing that showing love is strength and hiding it is failure–as whole and real person.
To be clear–Elena has not chosen Damon. She has already made her choice, it was Stefan. Damon is not now nor ever will be her first choice. She has no free will now, therefore she has no choice [at the moment]. Note the word choice. It’s a powerful word; it is the premier and utmost psychological component of freedom, and she has no freedom. She is bound and in bondage. This is a blisteringly unfair situation. There are no winner’s here. But the biggest loser will be Damon.Stefan and the real Elena’s love story doesn’t need ‘labels’. What Stefan and Elena have is a symbiotic and empathic relationship. In their relationship (apart from love), there is strength and purpose and passion. We will see the depth and fervor of their love again.
Oh, Stefan will be in pain for a little bit–but it’s his passion that will give him power and it’s his pain that will give him conviction. You have seen this as have I. What’s more–I know this to be true.
November 16, 2012
Question from Activia: What are your thoughts about Delena?
Sorry about the less than timely response, but there was that Halloween party that lasted for days and then the hangover. Then there’s the council meeting that I had to attend. Things got backed up. Anyway…
I have no thoughts about Delena actually. Quite frankly it’s wasted gray matter space. This pairing in anything other than a loose sort of friendship, defies all limits of sense and sensibility.
Elena’s emotional needs are immeasurable–trust, safety, loyalty, worth, respect, love. Real love, not abusive ‘do as I say’ love. Not love where the desire is for her to conform to certain ideas. Not fantasy love–the kind where the dream of what could be outweighs the reality of who she is.
Her wants are measurable–happiness, laughter, passion, comfort, growth, selflessness and a life partner who is able to meet her needs and fulfill her wants.
When emotional needs are steeped in guilt and shame, there’s a weird sort of disconnect with who you are. You lose track of that necessary essence and what consumes you is a sort of [unconscious] self depreciating mind set. Resisting fear and embracing faith is hard in an unfamiliar environment.
The thing about romantic self preservation is that even if you fantasize about other physical or emotional choices (whether it’s for temporary comfort or attraction or curiosity) the sense of self and the sense of destiny will outlast temporary insanity.
The idea of a meaningful Delena relationship [now] is powerless. Power is where you’ve been, who you’ve been with. Power is who facilitates the ‘birth’ of who you are; of the things you can accomplish; of your sense of purpose. A purposeful life is the difference between being lost or found. Being lost is powerless. Power of love is not where you are, it’s where you’ve been.
November 4, 2012
Question from Nonie: What was it like for you and Stefan to meet Bon Jovi?
Sorry it took me a while to get back to you Nonie, but there’s something afoot. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on, but there has been lots of activity here which only happens when there is a change in the life continuum. I’m a little concerned.
As you can imagine Nonie, it was always special when Stefan and I saw each other. And though it wasn’t as often as either of us preferred, when we did get together we never skipped a beat. It was as if we had seen each other daily. And so it was with great anticipation that I stood in the restaurant in Philly where we planned to meet on that January day.
Friday January 3rd 1987 to be exact, and it was a cold, cold mofo day. We had big plans for that night though. We were going to the Bon Jovi concert in Wilkes-Barre, Pa, and we were beyond stoked. So…the plan was to meet in Philly, check out a few places (Franklin Square, Longwood Gardens, The Liberty Bell Center, Independence Hall, Rocky Statue), eat have a few drinks before taking the 2 hr drive to the arena in Pocono Downs. But the trip there became somewhat problematic. Our journey was hampered by two things. The first: we were buzzed. The second: we couldn’t read the damn map to save our lives. Yeah we panicked and acting like two stooges laughed our ass off as we tried to figure out directions. Thanks goodness for GPS these days.
The two hour trip became four and after many gas station stops [for directions] and wayside pit stops we got to the arena at 9:10. We grabbed our bottle of Jack Daniels and headed in. Skid Row was on stage, the place was jammed and rocking and LOUD. Getting to front row was harder than we anticipated, but hey, that was nothing some compelling couldn’t fix. And so there we were in the front friggin row man. Skid Row did two more songs and was off. Then we took sips–hell–gulps of JD and waited for what seems like forever for the main event!!
The anticipation was growing as we watched the roadies prepare the stage for our all time favorite band, then the lights went down, it was TIME! I saw Richie [Samboa] on the left side of stage waiting for his cue to enter. They all slowly came out (Tico Torres, David Bryan) except Jon, the crowd was going nuts–Stefan and I were arm in arm, jumping up and down like crazy–shouting whistling– then Pink Flamingos started to play as Jon walked right up the middle to the front of the stage! For the next two hours we soaked in every minute of standing right at the feet of our favorite band and sang every single word to every song! They played their hearts out, and we sung our hearts out. As an encore the band sang Wanted dead or Alive and took the experience up a notch. We went WILD!! Yeah Stef was dancing his drunk ass off!! A sight to behold.
After it ended I asked one of the staff members to hand me a set list. We got it, and we did one better. We ‘vamped’ and compelled our way back stage to meet the man himself. He was soft spoken and a little hoarse (trying to rest his voice after the set), but he was polite and welcoming. He shook our hands and thanked us for coming to the concert. We told him about our ‘ordeal’ getting to the concert and told him how much we loved it and how we adopted Wanted as our theme song.
Jon said he got the inspiration for the song early one morning when he couldn’t sleep while riding in a tour bus. The “lifestyle of every rock band” was similar to that of outlaws in that each was, “a young band of thieves, riding into town, stealing the money, the girls, and the booze before the sun came up.”
He also said that the song absolutely positively was influenced by [Bob] Seger’s ‘Turn the Page.'” , Jon told us he remembered listening to this song in 1985 while traveling on a tour bus in the midwest and telling Richie Sambora, “We got to write a song like this.” The following year the duo composed “Wanted Dead or Alive.”
Richie came in for a bit and we thanked them again and then we were on our way. Happy and happier. Apart from the experience and a fabulous memory, we rolled outta there with something else- –a Jon Bon Jovi guitar pick!!
October 30, 2012
Question from Stella: Many people think that Caroline has the potential to become Stefan’s new Lexi. What’s your take on their friendship?
I’m arrogant enough to believe that I cannot be replaced as Stefan’s particular friend or that the friendship I forged with Stefan can ever be replicated. Having said that however, I am the first to admit that my friend needs a confidant. Someone to help fine-tune and make sense out of non-sense. Someone to help neutralize despair or desperation. Someone to be a sounding-board and/or offer advice or just to be there.
Being Stefan’s friend was a privilege due to the true nature of this man. Because of the value he places on others. Because of the worth he sees in others. Because he’s fair and giving, respectful and loyal. I have seen him at the worst of times and at the best. He’s witty and funny and is as smart as a whip. But he’s also a man who is fractured and has had his humanity skewed.
I do not know Caroline nor have I met her; but the qualities she needs to have are one of compassion and strength and patience. She must have a strong will and deep respect for Stefan. She must also know who he is at his core, and she must be able to hear what he has to say, but she must also listen. She has to draw a fine line between criticism and constructive help. She must know when to push–how hard and how long, but also when to pull back. She must know when to act and allow time for recovery.
Being friend and confidante is challenging, and I believe if Caroline has all the above mentioned ‘tools’ in her arsenal, as well as the willingness to be an on call ‘lifeline’, then she absolutely is the perfect candidate to be Stefan’s new me!
October 19, 2012
Question from Worried (Lexie): Lexi can you answer me what is the intersecting moment between Damon and Elena in 4×04? I’m so worried she’s going to cheat on Stefan… please answer me right when you get this… because I really want this season to be Stelena… us SEers got Delena for a full year. I can’t handle another one!
This is a loaded question. I can absolutely guarantee that Stefan will not cheat on Elena, but what Elena will or will not do is harder to guarantee.
Now don’t be upset at my statement above. All I really meant was that my interaction with Elena was a short one. I had little time to know her, but in the short time I did, I saw strength of character and incredible loyalty. I saw and appreciated her compassion and her kind and open heart, all traits that I recognized and admired in Stefan. Elena’s love for Stefan is true. I have been witness to her commitment twice.
The first was at our birthday celebration in MF. The way Elena talked about him and looked at him and the sincerity in which she spoke, made me realize without a shadow of a doubt that Elena loved Stefan truly, wholly and deeply.
The second time I was able to see Elena’s love for Stefan was when she contacted me in the midst of one of the worst struggles he has undertaken. This particular abysmal fall wasn’t of his own doing, as you know, because he was compelled. This was as far gone as I had ever seen my friend.
It is due to these observations that I can say that, I do not believe she would cheat.
There are different feelings that signify happiness and warmth. There are also categories in which those feelings of warmth and happiness fall. Personal accomplishment aside, you can acknowledge that one the most influential emotion is knowing someone cares for you, solely. But caring alone isn’t the only ingredient that is desired with romantic involvement. There has to be some certainty (or to the best probability of truth and trust) that caring is more than a crush or an obsession. That who you are isn’t lost as you undertake that romantic journey. That you become more–not less. That you, [the person] are not an object of desire only or a mere possession.
Being cared for and loved has to be without an inkling of doubt that the ‘winning’ of that emotion is about competition or ‘con’ gaming. That it is not only about lust or desire [although these components are extremely important]. And so, positivity of a relationship, as well as the ability to deal with the reality of trials and tribulations is key. The cumulative effect of attraction, trust, friendship, respect and hope leads to true love.
It’s not only a state of mind, it’s a state of being–in love. In love: in the moment, in the dream, in the hope, in a leap of faith. In love: as relationships go, ‘easy’ and ‘hard’ are learning curves, they are neither friend nor enemy. In love: time [whether it’s length to ‘fall’ or length to know] is measured on a different continuum, we are all here for only a small moment.
When you don’t ‘show up’ as who you are, people ‘love’ who you’re not. This is how it is and what the relationship is based on with Damon and Elena. People who are lost are hard to live with, Elena knows she has to be with someone who makes deposits not just ‘withdrawals’.
No, she will not cheat, not in her heart, not in her soul, not where it counts. Because being in love is not an experiment, it’s not a test, it’s not a question. One doesn’t search for answers about feelings, or wonder about it or is torn by it. Love isn’t that hard. Love is constant, with or without struggle. Love is where the heart is. Yes, it’ a cliche, but there has to be a warm heart. And though he’s a vampire, it’s always warm where Stefan is.
October 15, 2012
Question from Stella: Lexi, some SE fans are worried that Elena’s first time sex as a vampire won’t be with Stefan. What do you think?
It has taken me a couple of days and a couple of drafts to respond to this question because I was laughing so hard. The darn paper kept getting wet! I actually called my ghost friends over to read this and we’re all having a laugh–STILL. Well all except for Rose, who for some reason has a smirk??!!
Nonetheless, it is a legitimate question and one which unfortunately has some of Stefan’s supporters worried. Well folks, it’s time to remove those worry lines from your forehead.
Apart from the fact that it would make no sense literally, it wouldn’t make sense from an emotional standpoint as well–not for the person that we know as Elena Gilbert. (whether she’s a vampire or not) and if you think differently, then your knowledge and perspective about Elena is not evidential.
From all indication, Elena has chosen to be with Stefan because she loves him. She has confessed as much (and often) to Stefan, to Damon, to me, in fact to anyone who has asked and who will listen. Not only that, but she has also shown Stefan how much she loves him.
Now, I’m assuming the other guys that folks are worried about would be Matt and Damon or perhaps some random dude. Now why would these two and specimen xy be contenders?
Matt. Was she involved emotionally with Matt? Absolutely, they have been long time friends, and at one point were ‘involved’. But what of their physical involvement? Their sexual encounters were not spoken of directly but it was eluded to and the encounter apparently was boring at best and downright passion-less at worst. So, I’m thinking to return to that mundane-ness, especially with a) a newly heightened libido and b) having had sex with Stefan–well, the odds of Matt being the one is slim to none.
The xy-factor. Dunno, I suppose it’s possible that Elena would, with this new self awareness have suddenly become a succubus, roaming the streets of MF (without someone with her BTW, given her new reality) and picking up duds dudes. Apparently she would not only be the polar opposite to the type of person she was before she became a vamp, she’d be challenging Katherine. But why? Why would she choose to alienate the people she loves and degrade herself? Because she can? Yeah I suppose, but to what end?
Damon. The protector cum adventurer cum incubus of sorts. Does Elena have an emotional relationship with Damon? Absolutely. Is she attracted to him? For sure. Who among us haven’t lusted in her/his heart for someone? Would she actually sleep with him. I don’t believe that in the long run nor do I believe that this is viable in the short run. One of the things I believe that Elena appreciates is loyalty and certainly respect. Respect for her mind as well as respect for her body. Damon has shown neither consistently. I don’t expect this man to be celibate, but his random encounters while confessing love for her seems sketchy. The message is I ‘love’ you (I don’t think he truly does) but I can’t/won’t wait for you. He’s a risk. A high priced risk. She loses spirit, dignity and soul with succumbing and I don’t believe she is willing to do that, or able to for that matter; not only for Stefan’s sake, but most importantly not for hers.
It has not escaped her what kind of operator Damon is. Wild, charming, (at times) caring, and protective yes, but with that comes erratic, manipulative and challenging behavior; but not the challenge where intellect, self evaluation (positive and negative) and desired physical and emotional outcome take center stage. It’s the type of challenge like that of taking care of a toddler. You have to keep giving him boundaries, and filter behavior and wonder if allowed to roam untethered if his behavior would be acceptable in a given environment.
Who is left then? Hmmmm, let’s see. She would sleep with someone she has confessed to loving many times. Someone who loves her back. Someone who she has been loyal to and loyal to her. Someone who has respected her agency. Someone who loves her as she is. Someone who loves her selflessly. Someone she has chosen to be with because she loves him.
Know anyone who fits that description? I do.
October 5, 2012
Question from Steph: Lexi, you have given some wonderful advice to Stefan in regard to his struggle with being a vampire. What advice would you give to Elena and how would you instruct Stefan in supporting her?
First: I’m deeply saddened by the turn of events regarding Elena’s new self. It was a unforeseen turn of events unfortunately. Here are my thoughts.
I would give Elena the same advice I gave Lee during his transition, and the same advice I have given Stefan at various phases during and after faltering in his struggle to come to terms with being a predator. And though Stefan has a handicap, I have complete faith in his ability to guide Elena through each phase of her transition– and beyond.
What Elena has to learn to do, is to fight her nature–her newly obtained nature that is, assuming she wants to find a balance that co-exists with what she knew and what is new. The process is easier said than done and it takes on a different challenge when you are living in the midst of it about it versus when you actually experience it. It will now be Herstory. Humanity (or the state of human nature) becomes the ‘recessive’ gene, so to speak; and ‘the gene’ that is now dominant is innate and instinctual and without the filter of human nurturing. It is important for her to know not only the physical changes, but also her psychological changes.
So here are the steps Stefan needs to take and have in place:
a) He has to know when to push and when to step back. He has to be guided by a combination of instinct and by the ‘intimacy’ factor. IOW knowing Elena.
b) She has to be told what to expect in her new ‘stead’–the pitfalls and the ‘perks’. She may have heard them before, but it takes on a whole new connotation now. Now she has to listen.
c) She has to be given a road-map about when each of the new characteristics will appear, and what causes it’s manifestation. IOW what triggers each and every new characteristic and why it happens. Having an understanding of the physiological response will (after initial control issues) make the appearances of these characteristics manageable.
d) Do not isolate herself
e) She has to/need to work through the pain – the loss of old self is painful, physically and emotionally. It is important to acknowledge the pain and not suppress it.
f) She has to adjust to the ‘new environment’ gradually– This includes adjusting to the roles that she once carried out (sister, care-taker, care-giver, loyal friend) and learn (gradually) to accept her new identity–that of creature/predator/animal.
g) She has to/need to emotionally relocate who she was and acclimate to what she is, and in fact create a different ‘who’. While she will never be compelled to totally give up on either her human relationships or that fragment of humanity left; the goal is to find an appropriate place to ‘store’ human Elena. This requires a letting go of human attachments–not her humanity, but attachments– so new relationships can begin to form.
This is a bipartisan exercise, simply because human loved ones will have to recognize and come to terms with the fact that their expectations of behavior [from the person that was human Elena], may not always be healthy; that Elena’s wish to fulfill their need is not a given nor is it easy; and they must from time to time realize that instinctual differences make their expectation unrealistic.
The fulfillment or completion of these ‘tasks’ take time, and you never really get comfortable in what you have become– even after 350 years, I struggled. But I believe the important thing is to have a supportive person. That Stefan has been through his own initial transition without guidance or support and ‘survived’ in hostile circumstances; that he subsequently has reconnected with a set of compatible humane standards and guidance and earnestly tries to live up to them; that his human condition and consciousness was about a decent, caring, sympathetic soul was the foundation that he drew from; that he has the fortitude to try and try again -even when it was hard or when there seemed that there was little hope; that he independently dug deep, time after time to reclaim the ‘who’ he used to be; that he has acknowledged and accepted responsibility for the monster’s acts, [by not making excuses], makes Stefan’s ‘credentials’ as guidance counselor, teacher, supporter and confidant impeccable.
I have no doubt that there will be struggles and hard times and harder lessons. But they will both learn from them, because in each of Stefan’s trials, the positive outcomes reveal how strong he is.
September 20, 2012
Question from Stella: Lexi, could you share details of that Trevi fountain moment with Stefan?
Ahh..secrets from the vault. I have loads and loads of memories, but none more illuminating as the Trevi fountain adventure.
The events leading up to Stefan’s daring act, was not significant really; but doing what he did was extremely surprising and quite stunning. I’m still quite amused by it, and in some ways quite proud of my friend. It was the culmination of one of those magical moments my best friend and I spent together, when (as was our tradition), we hooked up for his birthday celebration.
It was 1965, Stefan’s 118th birthday and I joined him in Rome, where he was holidaying at the Salvatore Villa in Formello. It is located in a residential area uphill in the village of Formello from which driving to downtown Rome takes about 25 minutes. The view is breathtaking, reaching the sea westbound, Rome southbound, and Apennine mountains to the east.
We spent the day catching up, shooting the breeze. Stefan, made lunch (a delicious cacio e pepe pasta, made with pecorino cheese and black pepper, served on a crisp shell of Parmigiano and the cozze alla marinara – mussels with garlic, chilli pepper and a hint of tomato) while I attempted to bake a birthday cake. Come evening we headed to Rome to party, and we did, I mean hard. It was, after all, the age of Aquarius, the youth movement, women’s lib and rock and roll. There were no limitation, no boundaries, no holes barred. By midnight, it seemed we had checked out many caffes, visited every bar and crashed every ‘around the world’ party.
By 2am we were wasted, teetering giddily toward the fountain singing The Throggs’ Wild Thingand caught up in a game of chicken. Not sure whose idea it was to go for a swim, not sure who dared whom but right after jumping in, I caught a glimpse of my best friend undressing (in vamp speed) and leaping naked in the Trevi. There were lots of liras thrown in the fountain that night.