December 27, 2013
We’re almost mid-season now: how do you feel about the way Elena and Damon have been portrayed so far as a couple, and what’s your take on the Stelena vs Delena dynamics?
Sorry for my tardy reply, my head’s been in a whirl trying to absorb the doppelganger high jinx that has brought about changes here. It’s a strange sort of reality for me having someone here on TOS that looks like Stefan and has some of his qualities, but is his opposite in many ways. But enough of that.
Elena and Damon’s relationship has been portrayed exactly like it is—a soulless, uninspiring, toxic waste of emotions. A relationship built on quicksand is doomed. There is a kind of greed within the relationship that is stunning in its display, and it’s not the greed of ‘wanting’ or desire for each other necessarily; it’s the greed of taking [more emotional aptitude] rather than giving.
Their words of affection which are few and far between come only with situations that threaten the stagnant fabric or shaky stability of their togetherness. Their union was cultivated in a climate of fear and highly intense life changing events, and so they are caught in this maze of an illusion of ‘happiness’; yet not understanding or appreciating the difference between thinking they deserve to be happy vs knowing whether they are worthy of happiness.
The differences between the Stelena and Delena dynamic are many. Damon and Elena love at each other. Their fantasy about being with each other remains just that—and it’s that fantasy that they hold on to in spite of the dead and empty promise of it. The so-called choice that Elena made was not just between Damon and Stefan, it was a choice between who she should be and who she’s playing at being.
As for Stefan and Elena’s love? It’s alive and bigger than they can harness. It’s selfless and guilt-free. It’s the difference between acknowledging truths and accepting lies. It’s the answer to questions and antidote to mindlessness. The love that is shared between Stefan and Elena, I believe cannot be defined or pigeonholed. Yet the simplest and most compelling difference between the two is ultimately about this statement: “I love you because of who you are and who I am when I’m with you.”
September 17, 2013
Q: Hey Lexi:) This cosmic connection thing sounds like a sire bond .. I mean it’s like Stefan and Elena have no choice but to love each other. What do you think? – Derya
Very interesting query. Descriptive words take on a life of their own don’t they? And the word cosmic, as used to describe Stefan and Elena’s emotional connection, has become a bit of a conundrum. I sense that for some the concern is about how this may affect the importance and authenticity of Stefan and Elena’s love; and for a few it may be the inference of a possible supernaturally conjured aspect that is worrisome; still for others it is the implication and ramification that the word (cosmic) brings to mind.
Let’s put your mind at ease Derya. First, let’s define and examine the word ‘cosmic’ within the context in which it’s used. What is imperative for you to appreciate is that cosmic (as it’s meant in the statement) means a rare and harmonious occurrence. The ‘cosmic’ existence between these two is nothing short of a limitless and immeasurable miracle.
This connection was born intrinsically–it’s almost an innate element, therefore it’s a lasting, real and true connection. The connection isn’t about fairy dust being sprinkled about or a voodoo curse being cast; rather, there is, at the core of this connection a ‘sixth’ sense, and a kind of intuitive vibe. Not only are their souls aligned in an empathic keenness, there is synergy at the heart of the relationship, uniquely fitted because it’s rooted in free will.
In other words, a cosmic connection isn’t strictly about a relationship that is bound to happen romantically; it’s about coming to an acute awareness that you are a part of a unique personal experience; that the universe is aligned in such a manner that allows you to be sensitized and sensitive to another soul.
There is also, I believe an unconscious component which is manifested by a restlessness of spirit (as yet unidentified by them both); because there is never a sense of wholeness when they are separated. There is an uneasiness and emptiness (hole in the soul) when they are apart, which neither is fully able to recognize and pinpoint as of yet. It’s a connection where the ‘whole’ is better than two separate individuals.
The sire bond is a universe away from a cosmic connection. If this was a astronomic comparison, sire bonding would be considered the black hole of space. Sire bonding is an extrinsic occurrence, brought about by a specific supernatural event, which in fact gives the victim no choice. It’s simply a lie. Being bonded is self limiting and the practice thrives on control. It is an emotional and physical trap set to disrupt, disturb and disable free will. When bonded there is theft of self and consciousness. There are no real shared feelings. It’s a dismal connection where individual needs aren’t matched, and where a ‘sense’ of each other isn’t in sync. In other words, the emotions felt aren’t cosmically originated, they are falsely and temporarily imposed.
I embrace their cosmic connection, rather than thinking it’s magically induced, I think it makes them magical.
September 1, 2013
From Lexie: “Hi Lexi, How long do you think Delena will be together for, and does this new guy Aaron have anything to do with the Delena breakup that they have mentioned? Lastly should we Stelena fans believe that Delena will break up the first half of the season or sooner like the speculation or spoiler said, or do you think it’s misleading? Please help me. You’re my only hope.”
Unfortunately we who exist in this plane cannot tell what the future will bring. The witches insist on keeping that information to themselves.
What I will say is that Elena will never know true and lasting love with anyone else but Stefan and trying to capture the same feeling with anyone else will become a losing battle.
You should never lose hope, but more than hope you should have faith. I do.
August 23, 2013
Questions from Julia:
“Do you think Stefan will be the one to wreck Damon and Elena’s relationship?”
Stefan will be the one to wreck Damon and Elena’s relationship–but not in the way you may think–not directly. His interference will not be the intrusive, full court press, physical and emotional tactics that was used by Damon to undermine Stefan and Elena’s relationship. No, no, Damon and Elena’s relationship will implode. A romantic relationship formed under circumstances of anguish or hardship is doomed. Elena’s true love for Stefan will eventually ‘catch up’ with her and seep into the relationship with Damon.
“Do you think Elena will be the one to save Stefan from the coffin underwater?”
Julia, I don’t know who will find him, but more than likely it’ll be someone new to MF. However, until then I’m going to be there [in spirit] helping my friend to hold on.
“And lastly, is the sirebond REALLY over? Because when Elena proved to him that it was (she said no to him about something) it could have just been the sire bond talking, knowing that Damon wanted the sire bond gone. Then when Elena picked Damon, she could still be under the sire bond.”
Interesting theories you have there. Here are the facts: It is said that there’s no way to officially break the sire bond, but for Damon to tell Elena to forget about him to forget he ever existed and move on with her life; and she would have to. He did say what would make him happy was “if he knew the entire time they were together, it was real”–and now it’s ‘real’.
That said, Elena made it clear that the sire bond is no longer in effect. I do think that Elena’s feelings for Damon (heightened as they are) and her decision to be with him, is 70 percent about ‘lifestyle’. Surrounded by so much death, I think that Elena believes that Damon’s ‘vampire style’ is more compatible with who she presently chooses to be.
July 29, 2013
Stelena asks: “Dear Lexi, Season 4 ends with Elena choosing Damon. So will they be together forever? or will Elena and Stefan get back together at the very end of the story?”
This year a psychologically impaired Elena, made a decision to be clinically involved with a man who can be at times disrespectful to her [and her friends], dismissive to folks who matter and a controlling bully–in short she decided to be in an abusive relationship. There are reasons why someone would decide to do this, but the clear picture here is the idea that…if you feel ashamed, you live the life that validates that shame.
Elena has some healing to do in order to be whole and have a life of purpose again; but at this point she is either not ready or incapable to do the work to get there or doesn’t yet have the psychological mechanism needed to get to that place. That journey has not begun, she is still crippled by all the losses in her life, including Stefan by the way; and until she gets to the starting line, she is in a type of denial.
Denial gives your ego the ‘permission’ to take the easy way out which manifests itself by placing her shameful, guilt ridden self in the life of a person that will do the thinking of her; who will eliminate the guilt; a person who will make her feel everything and feel nothing. A person whose ‘noise’ will drown out the voice of sound reasoning. A person whose way of un-life will obliterate the losses–cue Damon, her drug of choice.
Sadly, her decision to use Damon as a crutch will, in time, implode that relationship.
And so Elena needs to be whole again, for herself. I believe that that subconscious ideology has led to the knowledge that she had nothing to give to Stefan except the broken pieces of herself–a state that is good enough to be with Damon, but won’t ever be rich enough or real enough for a relationship with Stefan. A relationship, by the by, that’s built on truths and purpose–not lies, not denials, not giving in to easy and not giving up on hard.
To ‘fix’ herself Elena has to be completely clear about what she wants–by that I mean what she wants for her future. At this juncture she has taken her empathy for Damon’s misery and Damon’s obsession with her and made a decision based on her compassion and love for him. This is about him–not her. You don’t make a bad decision for yourself, bad decisions are unconsciously made on behalf of the sad sap of a soul you think you want or need to save. The dynamic is dysfunctional–not because I said so, but because of who these people are individually. And so after she does the work [to be a whole person again] and is clear about what she wants for her, she will have the courage to seek it out and to ask for it.
Stefan and Elena are done as they were: “when I was a child I understood as a child, reasoned like a child; but now I’m grown it’s time to put away childish things”. They will be together again–maybe even immortally, one never knows about these doppelganger mythology.
In any event, it is possible to rediscover, to rebuild, to recreate and redefine a relationship. It’s possible to commit to a new behavior, a better behavior, a lasting behavior, a deeper love and an abiding behavior. We have to be willing to let go of the past, as they will, because the destination has to be about living together in peace–not in pieces.
June 5, 2013
A shoutbox question from Angelique: “I wanna know if you think there’s still a chance for Stefan and Elena after everything that has happened?”
I apologize for the tardiness of my reply. It’s been my goal to look for my friend Stefan; however these past few weeks I haven’t been able to ‘sense’ him and I’m a bit worried.
The first time Stefan spoke about Elena was an epiphany for both of us. The passion with which he described who she was, made it clear that his love for her was humanizing both in the depth of it and the consummation of it.
I would never count Stefan out for any reason. Although this is not a competition, Stefan is a ‘winner’. He wins in the manner in which he loves her. He wins in the ways in which he shows his love; in the little things and the big things that he does. He wins because Stefan’s love is not a test nor is it about giving in to a momentary feeling or passing fancy.
He wins because within his love Elena ‘found’ herself; without it she has/will find herself lost.
In my role as Stefan’s friend, I [in trying to make him focus on the need for his own journey], hinted that there may not be ‘the one’ as it relates to a romantic destiny. It was a frivolous statement meant to realign his thoughts. I do not believe that statement to be true.
The inessential turning point–that’s what I call what occurred in MF this year. The chain of events that contributed to the catastrophic changes was an intervention of the supernatural kind. But what that means in effect is that the empirical circumstances have momentarily shifted, not the prophesy or the destiny for Stefan and Elena.
They will be together again.
April 4, 2013
Question from JBuffyangel: “Everyone on the show is saying that once Elena gets the cure and returns human, she’ll go racing back to Stefan. But has anyone asked Stefan if his arms will be open? I mean, Elena slept with his brother and NEVER ONCE considered that it might be the sire bond. I know Stefan is very forgiving but I just don’t think it’ll be as easy as what the characters are saying.”
No, in a manner of speaking, it won’t be easy to pick up the pieces. Without struggle there is no growth, and so nothing worth having is easy. You’re right of course when you say Stefan is a forgiving man because, unlike me, he understands that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past can be changed. And so from that aspect, Elena is already forgiven-not because of her extraordinary circumstances, but in spite of them. It’s important to separate forgiving [someone] from forgetting. The irony here is that, he is the one person that he finds the hardest to forgive. Believe me I have had a time of it getting him to accept that fact even as I tried to make it clear to him that forgiveness is a gift to himself.
So what are the extenuating circumstances here: Elena became a vampire and in addition was sire bonded; and then she slept with Damon–her sire. BTW, let me just say from personal experience that sleeping with Damon was not a particular earth shattering experience..just sayin’.
Now before the sexploitation occurred, Elena was a vampire who demonstrated and verbalized how very devoted she was to Stefan and how much her relationship with Stefan meant to her. It is important to understand this: carrying out an order [while under the influence of vampire to vampire sire bonding] is a circumstance where you don’t realize and can’t recognize that you do not own your thoughts and that your actions are dictated only by the needs of your sire. Elena was not able to conceptualize the idea of sire bonding, because as far as she was concerned [being in a constant state of denial about the reality of the situation] it did not exist–her brain could not process this kind of circumstance. She knew of and about sire bonding, but she also believed that ‘that’ didn’t/couldn’t happen to her, so therefore it couldn’t be a real consideration. IOW everyone else is wrong and she is right.
Does Stefan love Elena? Yes, he still does truly and deeply and the truth and part of the responsibility of that kind of love is knowing when to let go. In addition there is a certain order to Stefan’s life-a creed which dictates how he cares for others and how respectful he is of individual rights and personal choice. There is one more important element: having the wisdom to know that relationships that have experienced a traumatic occurrence, that time has to be doled out so that healing can begin.
In whatever state Elena ‘awakens’ (whether she is human or not), Stefan will know that she needs time to grieve and time to give herself permission to be okay after what she has gone through; that then and there is not the time to continue with the relationship they had previously, even if Elena believes this to be a possibility. There is absolutely not one iota of doubt in my mind that Stefan will not push, or crowd Elena into resuming a romantic relationship with him. Instead it’s going to be a give and take situation. He’s going to give her space and take time for himself.
February 11, 2013
Question from Deb: Hi Lexi, as I am sure you know, Stefan has had sex with Rebekah, again. There’s been a LOT of debate over what he’s doing and whether this means that he’s lost all his integrity. I’d appreciate hearing your views, as us mortals are finding it tough…
Oh man, I hate it when harsh judgements are made without knowing intent or purpose of the person that’s being put under scrutiny, or without addressing that person’s wholeness. I detest it when those who do not have a clue about what drives Stefan’s soul or makes up the many facets of his character, make unnecessary assumptions about him in general. This one in particular really pisses me off. So my opinion is that no–Stefan did not lose his integrity. Stefan is lost right now and I believe he’s trying to find peace, from broken pieces.
What is it to be a person of integrity?
Integrity is perhaps one of the most puzzling words to define, because while it is sometimes associated with ‘morals,’ we must also distinguish acting morally from acting with integrity.
A person is subject to many conflicting desires. If one simply acted at each moment out of the strongest current desire, with no deliberation or discrimination between more or less worthwhile desires, then one clearly acts without integrity. Your integrity must first and foremost accurately reflect your sense of who you are; acting from motives, interests and commitments that are most deeply your own. Integrity is a quality defined by a person’s care of the self, and it is primarily a social virtue, one that is defined by a person’s relations to others. So the social character of integrity is a matter of a person’s regard for their own best judgement. Persons of integrity stand for something: they stand up for their best judgment within a community of people trying to discover what in life is worth doing. Integrity is not exclusively a matter of how people approach plainly moral concerns. Other matters like love, friendship and personal projects is highly relevant to judgments of integrity.
Another way of thinking about integrity places moral constraints upon the kinds of commitment to which a person of integrity must remain true. For example, we may disagree strongly with the Pope’s views of the role of women in the Church, take this to be a significant moral criticism of him, and yet admit that he is a man of integrity.
Stefan is a single man who had sex–plain and simple. This single moment in time does not make him less whole; it did not fundamentally alter who he is, nor did having sex re-set his moral path. This act was not a deliberate and pre-meditated one to hurt or deceive. He did not violate anyone’s agency nor was he abusive. His actions did not nor does it erase his sense of community. No lives were lost, no innocence taken, no promises broken. There were no laws broken or military secrets compromised. His morals and integrity remain intact.
The questioning of Stefan’s integrity, given the unimportance of the act in the scheme of things reminds me of a Victorian Age mentality. What is insane to me is that how we act as vampires–we stalk, we hunt, we kill [the antithesis of humane behavior], it is a rarity that our integrity is called into question.
January 7, 2013
Question from Stella: Lexi, I’d be interested in reading your opinion about the influence of the sire bond on Elena’s personality.
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. There has been something interfering with the ‘reception’ here in this plane. I’ve heard rumblings before about something about to happen that will affect the world as you humans know it, but this time the ghost whisperers seem quite upset about it. Their fear that darkness this way comes (as the elder put it) has made communicating with the world beyond quite the fete. So I’m making good in this window of opportunity.
The sire bond is a rare phenomenon–period. At least it’s rarely seen when it comes to vampire to vampire synergy. When it comes to the vampire/werewolf ‘exchange’, the odds are greater that this bond will be in place. It is the idea that the maker vampbrid is ‘taking away the pain’ of the previous existence of a werewolf which the neophyte hybrid appreciates; and which they quite ‘freely’ give their allegiance of life and limb. It is a slave mentality that is in place, until the bondee, with strong will and determination, seek to break that bond and where there are a set of actionable, physical circumstance that does just that. So the metamorphosis and it’s demise are quite straightforward.
My understanding of the sire bond (vampire-vampire) is muddier because the defining manifestations of this phenomena is one that is quite in distinctive. The signs and symptoms are unclear in the affect, the effect and the duration on the bonded person. The ‘cure’ is tricky, because the ‘sire’ has power over the bondee, and as such the granting of freedom, comes down to a combination of things. The sheer will and determination of the bondee and/or the hope that the psychological power the ‘sire’ will be replaced by conscience.
One of the major differences between the types of sire bond, is that unlike the werewolf/vamp linkage, the entire makeup of the vamp/vamp manifestation is due to mind control–similar to being compelled.
These are rough waters for Elena because she can no longer rely on her thoughts and her actions, because she is infected and infested really. Her ‘brain’ is Damon. Here’s what the brain does.
The brain is the supervisory center of the nervous system. It also serves as the site of emotions, memory, self-awareness, and thought. The brain directly controls conscious or voluntary behavior, such as walking and thinking.
The brain is used in sensing our body’s needs; sensing our environment (sight, touch, and taste); organizing and planning (what steps do I need to take to get to and from someplace); memory function; relating and comparing past events to present ones; initiating complex motor programs and finally, producing the emotional response to the successful completion of the job (satisfaction). If the brain doesn’t work properly, it can interfere with any of the processes described above and it is through Damon that all of these functions are processed. These are his thoughts and needs.
Elena has ceased to exist, unfortunately. This shell that we see that looks like and talks like Elena, is actually Damon–in a dress.